Hi
http://digitalworldnetwork.com/grow.php?race=wbs9xrg6e8f8
liam_smit2000@yahoo.co.uk
Liam Smith
Sunday, 30 August 2015
Sunday, 26 April 2015
So I still suck at this :(
Always did and always will sorry guys, not forgotten about my promise to post my logs from gran canaria but it's proving difficult
I currently live with a Girl (would say woman but you'll see why not I'm sure) Called Sam
We were good friends but when you live with someone you start to learn everything about them and frankly, it's upsetting, Sams very set in her ways, she tries to play it off as OCD but realistically she's just anal, I kinda get the impression through her whole life people have just accepted who she is and morphed their lives around her (she's a "goth" (something else that does my head in, she's labeled herself that and is desperate to fit the stereo type))
I'm very adventurous as I'm sure you all know, open to trying crazy things, will give most things a go, but the result of that is my life is extremely chaotic, one day I might be obsessed with one idea, the next it will be something very different, it's not that I lose interest, it's that I go as far as I can with the idea and move on, one day the idea may come back, or it may not, it's the reccouring ideas I try and adapt my life to. (For example I'm now vegetarian, for years I'd considered it on and off but I finally took the leap last April)
Sam however, does the same things day in, day out, week in, week out, ect. She is very set on routine, and any alteration to that routine is a major no go and she'll avoid it like the plague, she's going to live the same old week until she retires, or dies. But she can get very immature about things that don't fit her pattern.
For example, I watch a lot of ted talks, whenever it's on she'll go watch a drama in her room, at first I thought "who the fuck hides from knowledge" then realised she doesn't like her perception on the world to be changed.
But if she's watching something I don't sulk and stomp upstairs with a brew, I'll sit and watch, or draw, or read an article online, it's honestly like living with a 17 year old, not a 27 year old!
Now, I have two theories on this, one I favour more than the other;
A) her mums schizophrenic (she's told me this) and pyschiatric patients require structure and patterns in their life to maintain sanity, either her mum has passed this habit onto her and she's taken it to the extreme.
B) she's a narcissist and genuinely believes she's the centre of the universe (this is plausible as she doesn't share feelings, but she may just not share tem with me, as I don't share mine with her (she's quick to dismiss things so why bother?))
It's very frustrating but either way I desperately need my own place again soon...
Liam
Out!
Monday, 13 April 2015
Wow, over a year and a half...
Its been so long since i last logged onto this account, but i've been reading a lot of peoples comments whilst i've been offline, but not had it in me to post anything... so, time to fill you all in on whats happened, my last post was in December 2013, so I'll start from January last year... (fasten your seatbelts folks we're in for a bumpy ride!)
January 2014, I dropped out of University, at the time I had no idea why but we'll come to that soon, I went onto job seekers allowance (basically, for those that don't know, in england we get paid a megre sum of money whilst unemployed, to pay for food ect.) and eventually managed to find myself a new job as a chef. I stuck this out from march to June/July all the whilst I knew something was going wrong in my brain, I was getting increasingly paranoid, delusional, and at my worst i even convinced myself I was a sociopath (I even started a new blog elsewhere describing my actions as said sociopath, turns out i'm not) The high stress environment of single-handedly running a kitchen (and for minimum wage... grr) as well as being convinced all my friends actually hated me, in the end finally pushed me over the edge, I was going to kill myself, was fully prepared to do the act when a tiny little voice in my head decided that was the time to speak up and say "this isn't you, you need help, get yourself to A&E" so off I went, arrived in A&E at about midnight.... and just clammed up, that stubborn side of me that has always refused to seek help kicked in once again, thankfully the receptionist realized that something was seriously wrong and I was admitted.
OH MY GOD, talking, talking made everything better, I'm a massive fan of bottling things up because deep down I don't trust anyone, I sat with the crisis team in a room for a good three or four hours just talking, rambling, saying everything that I'd been bottling up for years (since my dad died when I was a kid) things that seemed pointless, things about life, things about the universe, about how nothings fair.
And good on them they sat there and listened, the spoke when needed and even argued against me instead of just agreeing with everything I said, after the longest, and shortest conversation of my life, it was decided I was safe to go home as long as I wouldn't be left alone for long periods.
So the very next day I rang work and explained I couldn't be coming in and why, then spent the day in the sun at the park with my friends and went into work to fully explain in person what was going on and quit, end of story, no more chefing for me (silly career choice really, I've no sense of smell xD can't taste the food I cook)
Bumbed about in carlisle for a month after that and then moved back home, where I got another job working in a sandwich shop, but again I could feel my mental state slipping, crap, maybe work just isn't for me, maybe I should join a monastery...
Then I started Counseling, once a week on a Monday I'd meet up with Gareth my Councillor in Colne and we'd discuss what happened during the week, and how I reacted, and how to avoid said reaction, this went of for about 5 or 6 weeks, then we eventually started delving into my actual subconscious (such a cool experience for an educated person such as myself!) and I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD
Whilst I was in counseling I was helping my uncle with what was his business, a raw feeding company for dogs, however i started changing it to try and make it legitimate (he's extraordinarily dodgy my uncle, wouldn't trust him as far as I can spit kinda guy) and he didn't like it, a few things cropped up and eventually i was given an ultimatum "Walk away, or find someone to do it with you" by this time I'd already started planning on leaving England (again, we'll get to that :P ) and a startup business of my own would have been perfect, I could take funds out as a wage and when the time came, close down shop and declare the business in liquidation, pay what little taxes i'd need to so as not be breaking any laws and disappear, now onto my big journey, in January this year i threw out all my things, packed what i needed for life into a backpack and went what was supposed to be travelling, I wrote a log of my journey so i'll put that in the next update!
Hope thats got your appetites back for my crazy intense life!
Namaste
Liam
OUT!
January 2014, I dropped out of University, at the time I had no idea why but we'll come to that soon, I went onto job seekers allowance (basically, for those that don't know, in england we get paid a megre sum of money whilst unemployed, to pay for food ect.) and eventually managed to find myself a new job as a chef. I stuck this out from march to June/July all the whilst I knew something was going wrong in my brain, I was getting increasingly paranoid, delusional, and at my worst i even convinced myself I was a sociopath (I even started a new blog elsewhere describing my actions as said sociopath, turns out i'm not) The high stress environment of single-handedly running a kitchen (and for minimum wage... grr) as well as being convinced all my friends actually hated me, in the end finally pushed me over the edge, I was going to kill myself, was fully prepared to do the act when a tiny little voice in my head decided that was the time to speak up and say "this isn't you, you need help, get yourself to A&E" so off I went, arrived in A&E at about midnight.... and just clammed up, that stubborn side of me that has always refused to seek help kicked in once again, thankfully the receptionist realized that something was seriously wrong and I was admitted.
OH MY GOD, talking, talking made everything better, I'm a massive fan of bottling things up because deep down I don't trust anyone, I sat with the crisis team in a room for a good three or four hours just talking, rambling, saying everything that I'd been bottling up for years (since my dad died when I was a kid) things that seemed pointless, things about life, things about the universe, about how nothings fair.
And good on them they sat there and listened, the spoke when needed and even argued against me instead of just agreeing with everything I said, after the longest, and shortest conversation of my life, it was decided I was safe to go home as long as I wouldn't be left alone for long periods.
So the very next day I rang work and explained I couldn't be coming in and why, then spent the day in the sun at the park with my friends and went into work to fully explain in person what was going on and quit, end of story, no more chefing for me (silly career choice really, I've no sense of smell xD can't taste the food I cook)
Bumbed about in carlisle for a month after that and then moved back home, where I got another job working in a sandwich shop, but again I could feel my mental state slipping, crap, maybe work just isn't for me, maybe I should join a monastery...
Then I started Counseling, once a week on a Monday I'd meet up with Gareth my Councillor in Colne and we'd discuss what happened during the week, and how I reacted, and how to avoid said reaction, this went of for about 5 or 6 weeks, then we eventually started delving into my actual subconscious (such a cool experience for an educated person such as myself!) and I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD
Whilst I was in counseling I was helping my uncle with what was his business, a raw feeding company for dogs, however i started changing it to try and make it legitimate (he's extraordinarily dodgy my uncle, wouldn't trust him as far as I can spit kinda guy) and he didn't like it, a few things cropped up and eventually i was given an ultimatum "Walk away, or find someone to do it with you" by this time I'd already started planning on leaving England (again, we'll get to that :P ) and a startup business of my own would have been perfect, I could take funds out as a wage and when the time came, close down shop and declare the business in liquidation, pay what little taxes i'd need to so as not be breaking any laws and disappear, now onto my big journey, in January this year i threw out all my things, packed what i needed for life into a backpack and went what was supposed to be travelling, I wrote a log of my journey so i'll put that in the next update!
Hope thats got your appetites back for my crazy intense life!
Namaste
Liam
OUT!
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